Circles and Germs

I have started teaching my new group of freshmen. They are really good kids, but have to be told exactly what to do. I asked a question, and everyone stared at me so I specified, "This is not rhetorical. I would like someone to answer me," and then hands went up in the air.

Today they became restless. No one complained, but I noticed every body in the room was in a state of twitch and squirm. I had everyone stand up and stand in a circle to do a "brain break activity." It's a memorization game, but once the circle was FINALLY formed I was shocked to see all the freshmen clasp hands and the circle of hand holding distracted me to the point of getting off task.

"Why are you holding hands?" I asked.
"We're in a circle," the shy, pretty girl responded. There are twenty-two students in the class. Only five of them are girls.
"This isn't a prayer circle for fuck's sake," is what I wanted to say but instead left off for fuck's sake. They all stared at me, and then I became anxious.
"Your hands are covered in germs," I shrilled. "Let go of each other's hands. Stop touching hands," I nagged.

And then we passed around the hand sanitizer, skipped the brain break, and went back to reading.

Today we had 425 students absent -- approximately 1/4 of the student population. We had 28 teachers call in sick... and there are only 120 teachers on staff. I'm not normally germ phobic, but this year is something else.

Escape

On Friday Zoey is spending the night at my dad's house. Jeremy and I are checking into a hotel. At the oceanfront. With a hot tub that faces the ocean view. With a fireplace near the hot tub. And it's going to be a drizzly, dreary weekend.

We soooooooooooo need this.

Shrinking Shrinking

I bought a pretty skirt last month. It was too tight, but it was on sale for $7.00 marked down various times from the original price of $70.00. It's black, fitted in the waist and hips, and flares out at the knees. The back is slightly longer than the front giving the skirt a pretty flare and swish. I tried it on this morning and it fits perfectly.

A few years ago I bought a blazer made out of hemp. It has a mandarin collar, three wooden buttons down the front, and cinched in at the waist. It is the perfect neutral beige color and I wore it often -- it was a great jacket both for work and weekends. It has not fit for at least two years. The sleeves were so tight on my arms I couldn't even fit the jacket on. I have been looking forward to wearing that jacket again. It dresses up my t-shirts. It's the perfect weight for chilly October and November mornings and evenings. I put it on yesterday to go to work, and it is entirely too big. The sleeves are too long. The waist is not fitted. I even buttoned it to see if it made a difference, and it just looked like a pretty, hemp sack.

When I try on a favorite piece that I have outgrown it ruins my day. I get angry because not only do I know I've gotten fatter, but now my wardrobe is even more limited. I am having quite the opposite effect trying on clothes that no longer work for me because they are too large. I was sad for a moment when I realized I'd missed the window to enjoy my favorite casual blazer. And then I shrugged, tossed it aside, and tried on a favorite denim jacket instead. The denim jacket fits beautifully -- I'm wearing it today with my new black skirt and a white t-shirt with a satin collar. The jacket is short, fitted, and a dark wash.

Clothes are fun again. It's time to clean my closet.

On a separate note: As of Friday Zoey is either sleeping through the night, or waking only once. When she does wake the nature of her cry is not at all the crazed tantrums she was pulling before. She caught my respiratory infection, and one night she woke crying pitifully because she was congested and coughing. I did a nasal wash, gave her water, and rocked her until she was breathing better. Last night she woke and the crying was genuinely sad. I checked on her, and she was frustrated because she couldn't cover herself adequately. It was chilly last night, and I need to buy her new, warmer pajamas. I covered her, she said "thank you," and that was the end of the crying. I'm hoping the bed time tantrums are finished. I still get nervous at bed time. I guess I'm traumatized.

More Day to Day

Zoey slept through the night on Wednesday, did not on Thursday, and did last night... we have officially reached the turning point -- and I didn't even drug her with Children's Benadryl to achieve the slumber though other real-life mommies were pushing it (or actual alcoholic beverages) on me for some rest.

Principal Bonaparte decided to give me a new class to teach. I start with a ninth grade class in two weeks, after progress reports are sent home... mid-way through the first quarter. I can't believe we're already mid-way through the first quarter. There are too many freshmen enrolled in the school and the grade 9 English classes are overfilled, so I get the spillage. I don't mind. I was hired to teach grades 6-12 so I'll teach whatever they need me to teach. I especially don't mind because I was also told that next year I will be teaching both grades 9 and 10, and would I consider being part of the transition team... it's a group of teachers and administrators who try to figure out ways to make the transition from middle school to high school easier. I told Bonaparte that I would L O V E to be a part of the transition team, especially if it meant I could give up the yearbook sponsorship and take on a leadership role within the team. He said, "ABSOLUTELY."

The transition team does a lot of work in May and August. Becoming part of that program keeps me involved in the school without me having to feel like I have to chaperone every stupid dance and activity, but gets me off the hook with the yearbook which is entirely too time consuming and stressful.

My co-teacher is very upset about the change. It means that one of our shared classes is going to another teacher to make room for my new class, and she's not looking forward to working with someone new. I feel sorry for her only a little bit. The class that is getting switched is our most challenging. It is also the class with the highest number of special-needs students, and the class with the highest number of at-risk boys (the boys who wannabe thugs). Overall they are nice, but needy and loud and disruptive.

I will miss the three girls who always laugh at my subtle jokes. I was looking forward to getting to know them. I will also miss my the Puerto-Rican girl who looks up at me while I teach with big Bambi eyes and has recently started doing her make-up the way I do mine. Her body isn't easy to dress either. She passed me a note at the end of class on Monday asking, "I don't know where to buy a bra and I don't want to ask my dad. Can you help?" Apparently mom is not in the picture, but I don't know the back story. When I saw her on Wednesday I gave her a note back with the name of the saleswoman who always fits me. After class that day she gave me another note, "I hate that I have hair on my face. How do I get rid of it without shaving it off?" On Friday I gave her the name of the salon I go to for all waxing needs, and also the name of the depilatory cream I use. Sometimes she speaks to me in Spanish, but she's always shy about it. I also have a Cuban boy in that class who wears his pants too low. Every day I scold him to pull up his pants. Sometimes I act like I'm traumatized... his entire bum was out one day and I feigned physical pain and cried out, "My eyes have been violated," and made a big deal about his stupid fashion sense. Yesterday we had an assembly to explain the college entrance exam pre-test to the kids, and in front of the whole auditorium I yelled at the kid "Caramba pero subete los pantalones que te veo los calzoncillos" (darn it pull up your pants as I can see your skivvies) and the Latinos all laughed and the non-Spanish speakers found it funny. I'll miss that dynamic, but I'm looking forward to meeting the new bunch.

On Thursday Zoey went absolutely wild when she went to bed, and again when she woke up in the middle of the night... and the screaming was something I'd never heard come out of her body. Jeremy also threw a tantrum, and I kept my mouth shut. When handling it his way didn't work I calmly told him it was my turn, and he turned on me. I yelled at him, "you really want to pick a fight with me right now at two in the morning when both of us are stressed out? Because if that's what you want let's go... come on..." and my body language, I'm ashamed to say, matched the cock-fight body language I see in the hallways at work almost every day. Luckily he shut his hole and went to bed, and Zoey had exhausted herself so she drank the water I offered and went right to sleep.

Today Zo and I are taking Whiskey to the vet. She's having seizures. The seizures aren't bad, but I need to know when is appropriate to start her on the seizure medications.

day to day

So far work has been lovely this year. It's difficult to fit in all the curriculum stuff with the things I want to teach as well as the things the kids need to know. The curriculum is dry. The kids desperately need remediation in all things grammar, so what goes by the wayside are the things I want to teach... things like poetry, creative writing, cross-curricular studies involving art, music and history. If the kids were shits like last year's bunch I'd be enormously frustrated, but so far they are sweet and respectful. I can tell they are often bored, but they are polite anyway and continue to participate. Today class took a different mood. We finally got away from essays and remediation and started reading literature. We are focusing on archetypes this year, and the first archetype is the trickster with the story "Coyote and the Origin of Death." I showed a Bugs Bunny cartoon on You Tube, "The Wabbit Who Came to Supper" and modeled the notes I wanted them to take with the Coyote story using the Bugs Bunny cartoon. It helped make the point that archetypes are not archaic, and we talked about modern-day trickster figures in pop culture.

Zoey has been so much fun during the day. She is learning about pumpkins at school and won't stop talking about them. The only thing I know for sure that she is saying is pumpkin and orange... the rest I can't figure out. We've been going to the playground after dinner, and then she gets the bath and bed time. I miss story time, but she starts getting upset at story time because she knows bed time comes next. Last night I did read her one story while she was already in her crib. She cried for fourteen minutes when I walked out, and then slept the whole night.

Today I was late picking her up from school. We went straight to the playground, and there were two little boys around her age whom we've seen there before. She played for two hours, and then asked to come home. I gave her chicken, potatoes and peas, and apple sauce for dinner, but she is only eating the apple sauce.

I'm tired, but much happier. I hope tonight goes well. I hope bed time continues to get easier.

For the past two weeks I have not been exercising. I've been too stressed and exhausted from the lack of sleep. Last week I lost three more pounds despite not doing exercise. I know it's because of stress and forgetting to eat. Tomorrow when I drop off Zoey I am also going to drop off her stroller so that I can walk to pick her up and bring her home. I don't want to get out of that habit.

My co-teacher bought me a pedometer because I said the doctor wants me walking 10,000 steps a day. I usually walk 7,000 steps at work just walking in circles in my little box monitoring the kids' work and around the building collecting my mail, visiting my buddy colleagues and such. I read that 10,000 steps is 5 miles. Walking to and from Zoey's school is 4 miles.

Erin called and left a message on my house phone. She asked me not to call her. She said that she understands she is not an easy friend to have, and that she has no hard feelings. She also said she will keep us in her prayers. I didn't feel anything at all when I heard the message, not even relief. Just nothing.

SEVEN MINUTES

Tonight Zoey cried for seven minutes. Last night she for so long I lost track... it was more than an hour, but probably less than two hours and then she slept until one. She cried at one, two, and three thirty.

Please, please, please let this be a turning point.

I have giant bags under my eyes, and one of my pimples (also under my eye) turned into a welt. One kid asked me, "Hey Ms. Ripoll... did you get hit?" He looked so worried. Sweet kid.

Responsibility

I'm angry and tired, so forgive this post if it's disjointed.

Erin called and Jeremy answered. He is such a champ. He told her I was not ready to speak to her. He reminded her about my cousin who died by suicide, and he told her I was still angry with her so it was going to take some time before I felt ready to speak to Erin. I'm not still angry at my cousin, but I was too tired to ask Jeremy if he was lying to Erin just to make a point. I don't know if I was ever angry at my cousin. She had an uncontrolled mental illness, and she abused street drugs. Her illness and recklessness killed her in the end. She hated herself.

Erin asked Jeremy to tell me that she was not the one who did "those things" to herself. She said she was someone else and she does not even remember any of it. She said she lost herself, and when she was committed she was given a shot that brought her back. She asked Jeremy if he understood what is a "psychotic break."

I don't care if she was in a psychotic break. DEPRESSION I understand. A diagnosis of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia I understand. Blaming her actions on her not being herself smells like a manipulative lie, and if by some miniscule chance she is not lying I want to be her friend even less. How do I know she is going to continue treatment? How do I know she won't break again? How could I ever trust someone so destructive around my daughter? How could she think that an explanation such as "that wasn't really me" would even fly as many times as she's threated to kill herself? Was she herself all those times she said she just didn't want to wake up anymore because I was not calling her as often as she needed?

***

Zoey woke up at 3:30 a.m. I went to her room to sit in there the way I had at bed time, but it was cold and I was tired and I caved so I took her to bed with us. She proceeded to just be a squirmy toddler and neither of us got anymore sleep. When it was time to leave she had started falling asleep and she had a melt down because I took away her pacifier and started getting her dressed. She continued to screech during the ride to school, and when I handed her over to her teacher she stuck her thumb in her mouth and curled into her teacher's neck.

I was late for work because I told the teacher everything. She gave me really good advice based on the fact that Zoey will comply with going to sleep as long as I am in the room. It's all too boring to get into, but under no circumstances will we bring her back to bed with us because of a tantrum. If she's sick and we want her in bed with us to closely monitor her, or if we just feel like having her in bed with us we will. We made a two week plan, and if Zoey doesn't respond well after two weeks she is going to suggest something else. If you want to know the advice I'll email it to you.